


Of betrayal and loneliness

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Sirius in Azkaban, mating for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:10:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5932831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus/Sirius meet for the last time before Sirius breaks out of Azkaban. Remus is granted a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of betrayal and loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

I was surprised they'd let me even visit. 

It was what Sirius wanted, though I wasn't quite sure it was what I wanted. What I wanted more than anything was to hate him with every fiber of my being for killing them. James, Lily, Peter- but I couldn't do it. I managed to convince myself it was only the shock keeping the hate away. Absence of hate didn't mean there was no anger there though. I was angrier than I'd ever been, but somehow, not at Sirius. 

Whether I felt the hate or not, I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to think I hated him, because eventually, I knew the hate would catch up with me. 

I would visit. 

That morning it was hard to even get out of bed. October thirty-first replayed over in my dreams every night. Seeing the house destroyed. Sirius running the other direction, towards something in the distance. The authorities coming and pulling me away from the rubble for questioning. They'd wondered how many dark creatures James and Lily were in contact with and why they sought out the companionship of a werewolf. My mind was too hazy then, and I'd only been able to tell them that I was the only werewolf they knew and they were careful of what friendships to keep. 

Then they told me what happened to Sirius Black. 

I think I must have passed out, or ran away or something because I don't remember anything after that. 

After an hour or two of staring at the ceiling above me, I stood, pulling on my cloak over my pajamas. I didn't feel like putting other clothing on under it. A trip to Azkaban hardly deserved dressing up. I did take a quick look in the mirror- my hair was a mess and my face pale. It took me a moment to remember that it wasn't just the nerves making it that way. Full moon was tonight. Azkaban by day, transformation by night. I'd deal with it. 

I had to take a boat to the island, go through a checking process, have my wand taken. There was no specified meeting room, because things like this were uncommon. I wasn't surprised. The dementors led me in, and I felt their chilling effect. I felt a rush of pity for Sirius Black. I'd not been in here more than a minute and I was ready to turn and bolt home. He wouldn't get out for the rest of his life, which, from what I hear, wouldn't be long in this pit. 

Then I remembered my anger. He deserves it, Remus. If anyone deserves it, it's him. 

I sighed and squared my shoulders in determined confidence. Screams emerged from the cells, some inmates actually reaching their frail, bony arms through the bars. That wouldn't be Sirius. He was too dignified. 

I knew we'd come to his cell, because he jumped from the bed and sat at the floor beside the bars. "Remus!" he screeched. "I didn't think you'd come." 

I sat down across him, the bars separating us. That was a good thing. I wasn't sure which, but I knew if they weren't there, I'd either sock him in the face, or snog him senseless. I hoped desperately for the former. "Apparently I did," I said, equal measures of coldness and awkwardness. Half of me wanted to be cold to him and make him think I hated him, because my logical side knew he deserved it. The other part didn't want to be too rude to him, for fear he would go mad. 

His face seemed to fall, his eyes were deeper and more tortured than I'd ever seen his, and possibly anyones in my life. I wanted to look away, but mine were glued to his. "Remus- Remus I didn't do it. I didn't do it, I swear. Peter--" He'd seen me shake my head minutely before I looked down at my lap. 

I was angrier now. If he'd only admitted what he'd done, said it to my face, it would be so much easier on me. As it was, I wanted to believe the words he spoke. Wanted to believe it with all my heart. My mind said otherwise though. All the evidence was there. "Don't do this to me, Sirius," I said, my voice threatening. "You killed Peter Pettigrew. You betrayed Lily and James Potter." 

"I didn't! Remus, they're all saying that. You know me better than anyone else. You can't think that I would do that. If you don't believe that I'm innocent, I don't know how I can believe it myself," Sirius said. 

I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see that face, those deep gray eyes, those bars separating him from the rest of the world. All I could see was James and Lily and Peter's dead bodies. That was all I wanted to think about. It was all Sirius's fault. "Don't believe it then because it isn't true. You're guilty, Sirius Black, and that's why you're here. You are a monster," I said, fighting to keep my voice steady as I thought as hard as I could about my anger, and the fact it was all this man's fault. I wanted him to think I hated him. It would catch up with me eventually. 

"Remus," he breathed. His hand reached through the bars and touched my hand. With effort, I pulled it away. I stood up. 

"Do you want to know the really funny part?" I said, quietly, my voice quiet. "After all this, I'm still the pathetic one. I'm still the one that always comes back to you, no matter what you do. That's always how it's been. Sirius, I never want to see you again." 

Sirius stood up with me. I knew he was afraid of me leaving. The difference between this time and the other times was that I was in control, I noted with some surprise. I could walk away, and he couldn't. "Don't leave, don't leave," Sirius chanted under his breath, I'd never seen him this way. He looked absolutely deranged. It was obvious he was in more control over his mind than the ones who had been locked up weeks, months and years, but it was already taking its toll on him. "Remus, I didn't do it. I DIDN'T DO IT!" he screamed. "I didn't. Peter Pettigrew betrayed them. I didn't do it! I'm innocent!" 

I shook my head, turning so I didn't have to watch. "It's too late. It's over. You killed them. It's full moon tonight, Sirius. I have to go." I started away, unable to take a final look at him. 

He ran to the edge of his cell, as far as he could. "No! No! Don't leave me here! I swear, it wasn't me! I'm innocent!" 

It took me long enough to follow the dementor out that I could hear him kick something loudly and curse. When I reached the boat, I broke down. Sirius Black was not innocent. He was never innocent. I just would never have imagined this of him. 

When I reached mainland again, I made my way to the Ministry to retrieve my wand. I was stopped six times. Every time was the same. "You-Know-Who has fallen! Celebrate the day!"


End file.
